So, let me tell you all about the My Little Pony Epidemic that has swept into our house like a kind of malicious influenza. Let the record show, Marilyn brought home this strain of (so far) incurable sickness and while Joe and baby Judah seem to be immune, and Sam is fighting the irresistible urge to like My Little Pony (I will later both prove that he has The Disease and probably make him hate me), Marilyn and I are full-blown, never coming back, off the deep end, addicts/patients. [I however, still maintain that it was torture which did me in. You try being subjected to MLP 18 hours a day and then not sing the theme song].
And before you go jumping on your high ponies, hahaha (crack head). No. I don’t let Marilyn watch t.v all day long (okay, some days I do, whatever- I think I told you before I don’t get regular showers, without tv I’d get No Showers, consider yourself lucky). But when the t.v is off, the iPad is on, and we downloaded a MLP game (it seemed like a good idea at the time) and when the iPad and the tv are both off? [Like when the power is out and the batteries have been drained dry] then she whips out her real live (made in China) My Little Pony toys. And she insists that I play with her.
So let’s just set the scene here shall we? I will be nursing Judah, happily watching Law & Order SVU and in will traipse Marilyn with her pretty blonde curls and sparkling blue eyes. “May I watch My Little Pony, please, Mommy?” she will say. Something will take my heart within its icy grip (I’m assuming it’s Nightmare Moon) and squeeze until I say “Yes darling, of course, we’ve only watched this particular episode eleven billionty times today”
We will finish watching approximately 14 (hundred) episodes and I will be bouncing the baby on one knee while trying to drink my icy cold coffee (not by choice, but by the black hole of time that I am sucked into on a daily basis trying to keep other people alive and happy).
“Can we play on the iPad?” Marilyn will ask me with feverish excitement. I swear I can see sweat beads of delirium sprouting on her angelic face. There is no point in fighting, so I turn the game on. This MLP game has (the dreaded) in-app purchases, so she is not allowed to play it alone. Even though I disabled in-app purchases she once managed to buy something for over fifty dollars (if my husband is reading this, don’t worry, i-tunes refunded us!). Currently we are level who-even-cares and we’re trying to beat back the darkness that Nightmare Moon has bestowed upon Ponyville, or Equestria, or Cantorland… I don’t even know what realm we’re in anymore. More importantly is that at the end of this level we’ll be able to obtain Scootaloo, one of the baby ponies. Marilyn’s stance on Scootaloo’s arrival is something akin to the exorcist in the scene with split pea soup vomit. She must have her NOW. (Which often leads me to playing this ridiculous game after she goes to bed so I can collect enough bits and gems to get her this stupid pony in hopes that she will Leave Me Alone. I told you, full-blown, never going to be cured). We’ll finish with the iPad game and I will be ready to put Judah down for a nap. (Cue the Angels singing) I may just get some breakfast now! (Or lunch, since it’s already 1230pm) or maybe a shower! I might check in online and see how the rest of the world is doing.
“Mommy?” comes that voice, the voice I created with my husband and then nurtured lovingly inside of my body for nine long months. “Mommy will you play My Little Pony with me?” So I do. I do it starving, and begrudgingly, giving each pony The Stare (oh come on you slackers, The Fluttershy Stare)
I have begun to have a love hate relationship with everypony in Equestria. Look, I get the allure. I am a child of the 80′s. I grew up with Pound Puppies, Fraggle Rock, Rainbow Brite, GEM and yes, My Little Pony (to name a few). I remember having these toys as a kid (well, kind of these toys, China has made some improvements, namely that their orbital sockets are now roughly the size of a human brain). But I am hungry. I smell vaguely of this mornings burping session with Judah and I really want to know if Oliva and Elliot get this serial rapist off the streets. So yeah, I’m That Mom, the one who is just So Happy when her cannot-play-alone-EVER 6-year-old comes rushing through the door from school. (I told you, I had subsequent children to free me from the need of having to actually play with my kids, I have important things to do, damn it, like pin crafts that I’ll never actually create).
So I’ll bribe my son. “Sam. If you play My Little Pony with Marilyn, you can play the wii until bedtime!” but he needs little prodding to plunk down next to his sister and partake in the fun. Remember I told you that Sam is trying to resist the temptation? Yeah, well temptation just leveled him.